


The 15 Worst Pick-up Lines of Christmas

by thewightknight



Series: Kylux prompts and ficlets [15]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, Christmas Crack, Christmas Eve, Fluff without Plot, M/M, Setup, inspired by a buzzfeed article so help me jeezus, the sass is strong with this one, two lonely souls in a bar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 13:34:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8982028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewightknight/pseuds/thewightknight
Summary: Hux wasn't normally one for cheesy pickup lines, but it was Christmas Eve and he had nothing else to do.  And plus, the guy was cute.  Really cute.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is all [rebelwerewolf](http://rebelwerewolf.tumblr.com/)'s fault. 
> 
> **RWW** : _"Buzzfeed just flat out listed[a bunch of Christmas prompts](https://www.buzzfeed.com/mirandagr/17-christmas-pickup-lines-to-get-you-in-the-holida-2p99t?utm_term=.px1n8Jjzv3#.mnBr6wjDxX)"_  
>  **RWW** : _They're terrible and only fit for fic prompts_  
>  **Me** : imagine ren using every single one of these on hux at a bar Christmas eve
> 
> So here's a big MERRY CHRISTMAS to my kylux family.

“Is that a candy cane in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

“Excuse me?”

Hux looked up from his drink. And up, and up. From his seat on the barstool, the owner of the voice towered over him, although they’d be close to the same height if he was standing. Considering this was his third whiskey, though, standing wasn’t the best idea at the moment.

“Hey, can’t blame a guy for trying.”

He’d used _that_ voice, he realized, the one he saved for occasions when he felt especially pissy. The whole point of being in a bar on Christmas eve was to not spend the night alone in his apartment, so chasing away the only other person besides the bartender kind of defeated the purpose. The muscles on top of muscles and the face to launch a thousand ships were an added bonus.

“I didn’t say you should stop.” 

“Really?” A smile split the man’s face, and Hux felt the corners of his mouth try to curl up in response.

“Come on. Give me your worst.”

“Sure about that? My worst is hard to take.”

“If it gets too bad you can buy me another drink to make up for it.”

“Okay, but remember, you asked for it.

Hux spun sideways on his stool so he faced the man and stared up at him, eyebrow raised.

“By the way, my name’s Kylo. Better tell you now, because you probably won’t want to know in five minutes.”

“Kylo. Got it.”

“Gonna give me yours?”

“We’ll see if you earn it.”

“Wow. Tough crowd here tonight.”

“I’m waiting. Clock’s ticking. That bottle of whiskey isn’t going to drink itself.”

“Okay, okay.” Kylo dug his phone out of his back pocket.

“Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas this year.”

He snapped a shot before Hux could protest, catching him with his mouth open.

“I do hope you’re going to delete that.”

“Depends on if I get a better one later.”

“Has this ever worked for you?”

“Ask me tomorrow morning.”

The nerve of him, with that grin on those lips and those crinkles at the corners of his eyes the grin caused.

“I feel like I should be keeping score somehow. Hang on a sec.” Hux dug a pen out of his messenger bag and made two tick marks on his napkin.

“How many of those do I need to get before I get a prize?”

“I’ll let you know. So what else do you have in that snappy repertoire of yours?”

“Hey, now. I’m the one that’s supposed to be saying the corny lines to you.”

“Well, get on with it, then.”

“Hmmm. Let’s see. What do you say we make this a not-so-silent night?” This line was accompanied by a comical waggling of eyebrows. 

“Groucho Marks is spinning in his grave right now.” He made a third mark on the napkin.

“How about this one? Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.”

“Weak. And besides, you don’t have any gloves.” Number four.

“I knew I forgot something!”

“Next!” This was just too much fun, but he kept his smile to himself. Make this Kylo work for it.

This time, Kylo made a show of checking something on his phone, looking up at Hux and down at it several times.

“So, I’ve checked it twice, and it seems you’re on my naughty list.”

“One lump of coal in my stocking, check.” He ran a line diagonal mark through the four upright lines, and couldn’t resist. “Five horrid pickup lines!” he warbled, only slightly off-key. 

“There’s still more where that came from, baby.” 

The ice had almost melted in his drink while they played. He took a healthy swig, savoring the layers of flavor as it slid down his throat, and the way Kylo’s eyes dropped to his lips when he licked away a lingering drop. 

“Don’t keep me in suspense.”

“Oh, er, right. Number six coming up.” Kylo rested his elbow on the bar and leaned in. “Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.”

Hux groaned. “That is truly horrible. Truly. You should be ashamed of yourself.” 

“Only the best for you, Mr. Nameless Critic.”

“I don’t think you even get a mark for that one.”

“With your reaction, I think it deserves two.”

They argued about it good-naturedly for a bit, and finally Hux relented and put down a tiny black line.

“You get a half. Redeem yourself.”

“Hmmmm.” Kylo stroked his chin with the fingers of one hand, elbow planted in the other. “Aha!” Another eyebrow waggle. It was even cuter the second time. “Let’s get out of here and explore the North Pole. I’m a rebel without a Claus.”

Burying his face in his hands did a good job of covering up the grin he couldn’t hold in any longer. Shaking his head, he said from in between his fingers “Dishonor on you. Dishonor on your whole family.”

“Hey, no hiding now. That’s cheating.” Warm hands covered his, tugging them down. “And besides, you can’t hold a pen like that.”

“Or take a drink.” A convenient excuse to cover how a simple touch had flustered him. Unfortunately, he only had a few drops left in his glass.

“You need another, Hux?” The bartender, an older lady with a wicked grin who everyone called “Doc,” already had the bottle hovering over his glass.

“Hux, huh. Is that short for something?”

“You hadn’t earned that yet.” He shook a finger at Doc, mock outraged. “See what you did there?”

“Good thing you already tipped me.” He had, too. He’d dropped a hundred on the bar for her when he walked in, a combination of thankfulness that his favorite watering hole was open on Christmas Eve and an apology if he got sloppy drunk and had to be poured into a cab at closing.

“Where were we, then?” 

Kylo picked up the pen and filled in the short mark, then made another next to it.

“That’s cheating!”

“How can I cheat when you haven’t told me what the rules are?” 

“Still working on those. In the meantime ….” He made a rolling motion with one hand. “Keep going. You’ve got some work ahead of you, digging yourself out of the hole you’ve made.”

“Time to up my game then.” Twisting his shirt in one hand, he pulled it up just enough to give Hux a glimpse of his ripped abs. “I’m like a Christmas present, you know. You’ll love unwrapping me.”

That little tease had definitely piqued Hux’s interest. Thank goodness for dim bar lighting. He struggled for something to say to distract himself.

“I think we’ve lost count somewhere. How many is that now?” 

“Ten.”

“You’re a liar.”

“No, just continuing to not cheat according to your non-existent rules.”

“Cheeky.”

“Uh-huh. It’s what you like about me.”

He wasn’t wrong.

“This will be number nine.”

Counting back, Hux agreed with that, adding another mark to bring the tally up to eight.

“Go on, then.”

“Kiss me if I’m wrong, but it’s about to be 2011, right?”

“Just coming out of a coma, then? That explains a lot.”

This time he couldn’t hide his laughter as Kylo mimed a heart attack, in as much of an over-the-top fashion as he’d done everything else that evening.

“Ah hah! I got you!”

“A hit. A very palpable hit.”

“No poisoned pearls in your drink, I hope.”

“Extra point for getting the Shakespeare reference.”

“And another for making you laugh.”

That brought them up to eleven. 

“I get a bonus at ten, right?”

“What did you have in mind?”

Kylo was a whiskey drinker too, it seemed. Or maybe it was the remnants of his own drink that flavored the kiss. Hux kept it brief, catching at Kylo’s hands as they tried to wrap themselves around his waist. 

“Now, now. Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

“I’m already ahead. Damn. You taste amazing.”

And now he was blushing again.

“You’re impossible.”

“Impossibly cute, you mean.”

Had he just stuck his tongue out at a man in a bar? He was thirty-four, not four.

“So what do I get when I hit twenty?”

“If you hit twenty, you mean. Awfully presumptuous of you.”

“Alright, **if** I hit twenty.”

“Tick tock.”

“Aren’t you impatient.”

“You’re right. What was I thinking? I should be grateful for the reprieve.”

“Your ice is melting.” Kylo plucked the glass from his fingers and helped himself to a swallow. This time it was Hux’s turn to watch, entranced, at the muscles in Kylo’s throat when he swallowed. Putting the glass down, he leaned against the bar. “You know, good tidings aren’t the only thing I can give you.”

“Backsliding here. If this keeps up you might lose points.”

“Have another drink. They’ll sound better.” He pushed the glass towards Hux.

“Oh, no, you’ll not get off that easy.”

“Well, excuse me! Say, can you tell me where the nearest mistletoe is?” Kylo leaned in again, angling for another kiss and Hux held up the glass in front of his face, blocking him.

“No fair!”

“You’re the one that told me I should be drinking more.”

“Smooth, Hux. Give yourself a point.”

“I thought it was you looking to score tonight.”

“Touché!”

“Here, I think you’re the one that needs a little liquid helper.” He held his tumbler out, expecting Kylo to take it from his hand. Instead Kylo wrapped his hand around Hux’s and lowered his lips to the glass, tilting their hands together to reach the amber liquid. He didn’t let go afterwards.

“I must be a snowflake, you know.”

“Why’s that?” Had Doc turned the heat up in here?

“Because I’ve fallen for you.”

Caressing the back of Hux’s hand with his thumb, he dove in for another kiss and this time Hux let him. Not wanting to scandalize Doc, he didn’t do all the things with his free hand his rapidly awakening libido recommended, letting it rest briefly on Kylo’s chest instead. 

“Not bad,” he let himself admit when they broke apart this time, happy to see Kylo looked as dazed as he felt.

“Maybe we should save Santa the trip and go be naughty together?”

“Not outside the realm of possibility. I’ll give you two more lines to make up my mind.”

“Wow. No pressure, there. Sure you don’t want me to quit while I’m ahead?”

“If you don’t think you’re up for it.” 

“Never let it be said I backed away from a challenge. So tell me, have you finished decorating yet?”

“Decorating?”

“Yeah, for the holidays, you know? Christmas?” He dodged Hux’s playful swat. “Because if you’re looking for a tree topper, I’ve been told I’m a star on top.”

If the stool hadn’t had a back, Hux would have toppled over, as quickly as the blood left his brain for more southerly parts.

Not giving him a chance to respond, Kylo pushed through to the next line.

“Who needs sugarplums? I’ve already got visions of you dancing on my … umph!”

Hux didn’t give him a chance to finish, wrapping his legs around him and pulling him in, almost missing the bar when he set his glass down. It took an emphatic clearing of Doc’s throat to break them up this time. 

“Your place or mine?” Kylo murmured in his ear.

“I live right around the corner.”

“Yours it is.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harter’s cell went off right as she finished counting the till. She didn’t bother with a hello.

“Seriously, Leia? A fruitcake? Couldn’t you have figured out any better way to get Kylo down here?” She listened for a few seconds, shaking her head. “It did do the trick, and by the way, you own me that fifty.” A pause while she listened. “Yes, they left together about an hour ago. I told you the two of them would hit it off.” Another pause. “No worries, Hux lives a couple blocks away. They walked. And now you don’t have to worry about him being alone tonight.” Tucking the phone between her cheek and shoulder, she flicked the neon light off and turned the shades down. “Merry Christmas to you, too.” 

On her way out, she dropped a plate wrapped in red and green cellophane in the dumpster. “Fruitcake my ass.” Whistling a jaunty version of _The Little Drummer Boy_ ,” she headed off to her own Christmas cheer.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to [come say hi on tumblr](http://thewightknight.tumblr.com/)!


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